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Elizabeth stared at her paycheck and smiled. Three months after Lucky moved out, along with all his medical bills, Elizabeth realized that she had more than enough money to take care of herself and Cameron. She hadn’t realized that since she married Lucky she had taken on so much debt. Now that he was gone, her bank account was finally in the black again. Elizabeth planned to tuck half away for Cameron’s college fund and spend a little to get him a new tricycle. She had even gotten the latest Toys ‘R Us catalog for the occasion where they had these adorable tricycles shaped like motorcycles. That’s when she got the idea. Sometimes mommies needed something special too. Elizabeth opened the door to the shop and inhaled the smell of metal, chrome and leather and she knew freedom was only a signature away. When she stepped through the doors, she grinned as every eye in the store stared at her. Of all the people they had expected to walk into the shop, Elizabeth Webber was the last. She stood a little over 5 feet tall, head to toe in pink scrubs. Without an inch of leather on her, she stood out in the crowd. A man behind the counter winked at her and asked, “Are you lost, little lady? Do you need some directions?” Elizabeth flashed a smile at him. “Actually I was interested in making a purchase. Something solid, a little rough and not too difficult to handle.” She winked back at him. A low chuckle echoed throughout the store as all the men laughed at her spirited reply. “Sure thing, little lady,” the owner smiled, stepping out from behind the counter. “Please, call me Liz,” she answered. He nodded and shook her hand knowing that today would be an interesting day.
Jason Morgan sat at Kelly’s staring into his cup of coffee. It had only been a month since Sam had moved out. She had decided she needed time alone so she could bond with her mother and her half-sisters. He knew that it was just an excuse. When he took over the business he knew she would have a hard time handling it but he didn’t realize it would cost him their relationship. She had been able to handle all the danger before which was why he let her inside his heart. He had lost too many women because of the business and he thought she would be the one who wouldn’t be afraid to stand by him through it all. It turned out he was wrong. Maybe it was the fact that she found out Alexis was her mother that turned her into someone who could look at him that way. Maybe it was in her genes not to be able to accept what he did and it had just lay dormant until she found out where she really came from and who she really was. It didn’t really matter though because the end result was the same. She was gone and she wasn’t coming back. The worst part was that Sonny and Emily had broken up. They both realized they were not right for each other and he had lost Sam for no reason at all. He was giving Sonny back the business and he would return to being an enforcer. At least that was something he knew how to do. Dealing with losing Sam wasn’t. His hand gripped around the coffee mug but the heat didn’t penetrate his skin. Nothing did anymore. He was just numb. Jason’s self-reflection was interrupted with the sound of a roaring engine outside Kelly’s followed by a loud crash. He turned and saw a motorcycle impaled on a patio table. He wondered what teenager in Port Charles had decided to rebel against their family this time. He looked out the window and was surprised to find a petite and very feminine body stand up. He couldn’t tell who it was because of the helmet but the inner savior in him forced him to go find out if she was okay, whoever she was. As he opened the door of Kelly’s he could hear a low laughter emanating from beneath the helmet. “Are you okay?” he asked as he looked at the bent metal of the patio chairs. The table was still intact but it was resting upside down beside the bike. She removed her helmet and as her curls cascaded down her back, she grinned at Jason’s shocked expression. “I’m fine. Although I don’t think Mike will be too happy.” “Elizabeth?” he said in a low whisper, trying to absorb the fact that Elizabeth Webber was standing in front of him with helmet in hand. She smiled, always liking the way he said her name. “Don’t look so surprised, Jason. You of all people know how much I like motorcycles.” “I-I know, but when I think of you on a bike . . . I imagine you’re with me,” he replied. He swallowed as he realized what he had just said. “Yeah, but you never let me drive,” she answered, her eyes sparkling. He gestured to the mess in front of him. “And now you know why.” The shock was starting to wear off and a grin was creeping at the corner of his mouth. “What’s going on out here?” Mike asked as he ran out to the patio area. Elizabeth bit her lower lip. “I’m really sorry, Mike. I was just rounding the corner and I accidentally hit the wrong, um, thing.” Mike chuckled seeing Elizabeth standing next to the bike. He looked at Jason. “You really should be a better teacher, Jason. At least your bike looks okay,” he patted Jason on the back. Elizabeth’s eyes narrowed. “Hey, that’s my bike, and Jason had nothing to do with this.” Jason nodded. “Don’t look at me.” Mike’s jaw dropped. “You mean that bike that is now one with my patio chairs is yours?” Elizabeth nodded with a proud glint in her eye. “Yup. I got it yesterday. I’m trying to work out all the gears and stuff but the manuals aren’t really that helpful.” “Wait, let me get this straight. You are trying to learn how to ride a motorcycle using a book?” Mike questioned. When Elizabeth nodded like it was completely normal, both Jason and Mike broke out into laughter. “Umm, Jason, I am going to let you handle this one. And, Elizabeth, please try to be more careful,” he said as he walked back to the diner. “I never liked those patio chairs anyway,” he mumbled under his breath as he walked inside. Jason and Elizabeth looked at each other. Elizabeth’s eyes dared him to say anything and his mouth twisted into a grin. “I don’t know what to say,” Jason finally spoke. Elizabeth giggled. “As if that’s something new . . .” “Hey,” he said, feigning offense to her comment. He shook his head as he looked at the mess. He leaned over to pull apart the chair and commented, “This is a nice bike though.” “It better be or else I am sending Jimmy a not-so-nice thank-you card,” Elizabeth replied as she began to tug away another chair from her new purchase. “Jimmy Moreno?” Jason asked, recognizing the name. “The one and only,” Elizabeth answered. “He assured me that this bike would be a great training bike.” “It is, but I don’t think you’re doing it right,” Jason said, laughing again as she fell back pulling one chair from another. “Hey, it’s not funny,” she pouted. As she looked at him, she couldn’t help but break out into laughter herself. “Okay, maybe it is, but I can’t afford lessons so I’m teaching myself.” “You could afford to buy a bike but not lessons?” he asked. She nodded. “This one was a steal because the owner bought it for his son who decided he’d rather have a boat than a motorcycle, so Jimmy gave me the guy’s number and I got a great deal.” Jason nodded but he still had one question. “So why’d you want a motorcycle anyway?” She chewed on her lower lip and looked down at the bike. “I had some money and I wanted to get something for myself. It was an impulse, what can I tell you?” She bent over the bike and lifted it up. “It’s okay, right?” Jason laughed and opened his cell. “Johnny, can you get Max and Milo over here? I need some stuff cleared out in front of Kelly’s.” “You don’t have to do that!” Elizabeth said, surprised at his kind gesture. “Of course I do. How else can I take you up the cliff road and show you how to drive if we have to clear this stuff up ourselves?” he replied nonchalantly. Elizabeth’s eyes lit up like he hadn’t seen in a long, long time. “Are you serious? I mean, don’t get me wrong I would love to learn the right way to ride this thing, but are you sure? I mean I know you’re busy these days since you took over Sonny’s business and I know you must have tons of other things to do, but---“ Jason cut her off, “I’d love to, Elizabeth. Besides, if I don’t teach you I don’t think Mike will let either of us back into Kelly’s.” Elizabeth grinned. “Oh, we can’t have that. Cameron loves Mike’s cookies.” Jason picked up her helmet and handed it to her. “Put this on.” “Where are we going?” she asked as she put on the helmet. He smiled. “Nowhere.” “I could go for that,” she laughed underneath the helmet. He got on the bike and she hopped on behind him. “Okay, hold on tight and pay attention.” She nodded as he turned on the ignition. She put her arms around his waist and she couldn’t help feeling like she was home again.
It had been two weeks since Elizabeth crashed into Kelly’s and Jason decided it was time to take her somewhere besides the alleyways and parking lots of Port Charles.
As the engine’s roar lowered to a hum, Elizabeth took a deep breath. She wished that she could bottle up the air this high up the cliff road. It always cleared her mind and made her feel safe. As she relaxed her grip on Jason and hopped off the bike she wondered if it was the air or Jason that made her feel that way.
“It’s beautiful up here, isn’t it?” she asked as she pulled off her helmet and spun around, taking in the sunlight and the light breeze.
Vista Point was a strange place for Jason. He had only been here with two women, and only one of them ever belonged. He grinned at her smiling now, the sunlight bouncing off her curls, forming a halo over her head. He was sure that she fooled a lot of people into thinking she was as angelic as her face suggested, but he knew better.
“I haven’t been up here since---“ and she stopped spinning and looked at him, her joyful expression masked for a second before her smile returned. “Well, it’s been awhile . . .”
He rested the bike against the wall and followed her up the steps to the telescope.
“It must be nice to come up here whenever you want,” she said wistfully, gazing out at the town below. “The cab drivers never like coming up here. They complain about the turns.”
He didn’t say anything, too absorbed in seeing the change in her expression that had just grown more joyful over the last few weeks. He was reminded of how she looked when they first became friends. Full of life.
She turned and smiled at him. “Now once you’re done teaching me and actually let me drive,” she said, poking him in the chest, “I’ll get to come up here as much as I want. Then when Cam’s old enough, I’ll take him up here and show him what Port Charles looks like from up here.” Her face was glowing as she gazed out at the landscape below.
He couldn’t get over just how peaceful she looked. “It’s probably better if I take you up here. The turns are tricky and it might take awhile for you to get the hang of it.”
Seeing the teasing smile on his lips, she pouted in that adorable way only she could. “But I like the turns.”
“Sure, when I’m driving,” Jason replied, a laughing expression on his face.
She sat at the edge of the brick wall and just shook her head. “You’re no fun,” she joked.
“Hey, I let you drive sometimes,” he grinned.
“Only when we’re going straight!” she argued.
He laughed, feeling the weight that he had been feeling during the past month fade away. He noticed that distant look on her face that seemed to show up every once in awhile. He sat down next to her and asked, “Why did you really get the bike, Elizabeth?”
“What? I can’t be spontaneous?” she laughed, though her tone betrayed her lack of sincerity.
“That’s not what I meant,” he said. “It’s been a long time since . . .” His voice trailed off, not sure how to describe what they used to be.
She explained carefully, “I just felt like I was trapped this last year and I wanted to feel free again. I started painting but it wasn’t enough. The last time I really felt free was on the back of your bike.”
“So you needed an escape?” Jason asked.
She looked at him for a moment and considered his question. “No. Actually, I just needed to reclaim my life. I have a good life. I have a career, I have Cameron. It’s not me running away. It’s just about me feeling free.”
He nodded, happy with her answer and knowing this time she was being completely honest. It made him feel better knowing that her life was good again. As he watched her get hurt by Ric and Lucky after she had left him, he had always felt this sense of guilt that he wasn’t there to watch over her anymore. He tried to help when he could and he would never turn her away if she needed him, but it never felt like enough.
As she bounced her heel against the wall, she looked at him. She saw that he was deep in thought and his eyes reflected the same sadness she had observed for weeks now. She had admired his strength and his sacrifice after the Sonny and Emily mess, but she had been so wrapped up in her own issues that she had no idea how he was dealing. “What about you, Jason? Do you need an escape?” she asked.
He looked at her with surprise. “What do you mean?”
“You’ve taken me riding, but we don’t really talk about anything. I mean you’re in charge now. You’re not just Sonny’s enforcer. Doesn’t it get, I don’t know, hard?” she questioned.
He licked his lips, thinking about it for a second. “It was hard, but it wasn’t that different from what I was doing before. Sonny hasn’t really been in charge for a long time. Taking his business away was more about making him see just how far things have gotten. I never wanted it.”
Elizabeth knew he didn’t. “Now that Sonny and Emily aren’t together anymore, are you going to give it back?”
He nodded. “I already told Sonny I am and Bernie is putting it into motion. It’s just a formality now. I’ve already let go.”
“So you’re back to being Sonny’s enforcer?” Elizabeth asked.
He tilted his head in thought. “I might take a break for awhile. Travel or something.”
“What about Sam?” she wondered. He hadn’t even mentioned the other brunette the entire time he’d been teaching her how to ride. Not that they spent much time talking, but she found it strange that she hadn’t seen him with Sam at all the last few weeks.
He swallowed. “She’s living next to Alexis now. We’re not together anymore.”
She placed her hand on his. “I’m sorry,” she said softly. It surprised her. She was sure Sam worshipped Jason. “Was it you who broke it off or her?”
He sighed, letting out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding. The comfort of her hand on his was unexpected. “Her, I guess. She said she just wanted a break but I could see that she didn’t want to be a part of my life anymore. The pressure of me being the new head of the organization was just too much for her. Now it’s been almost two months and I know we’re over.”
“I’m sorry, Jason,” Elizabeth said again.
His hand tightened into a fist. “I just thought that things would be different this time. When I lost my memory, she stood by me no matter what. She always looked at me like she loved me enough to stay.”
Elizabeth bit her lower lip, feeling the pain in his voice.
“She used to tell me that I gave her a life and that I was her family,” he remembered bitterly. “I just didn’t realize that she could change her mind so fast.”
“Do you think it’s because Alexis pushed her to break up with you?” Elizabeth asked, feeling bad for Jason. It must have killed him to lose the one person who seemed to accept his life and everything that came with it.
Jason shook his head. “Alexis couldn’t make Sam do anything she didn’t already want to do.”
“Maybe if she knows you gave back Sonny’s business, she’ll come back,” Elizabeth suggested.
Jason frowned. “It doesn’t-it doesn’t make a difference. The danger is always there and there will be more times when I’ll have to step up if Sonny needs me. She’s better off with Alexis and her new family.”
“You mean you’d rather let her go and hurt yourself than to put her in danger of being shot again,” Elizabeth replied.
He glanced at her and realized she saw right through him.
“You deserve to be happy, Jason. And she deserves the chance to make you happy,” Elizabeth offered. “Eventually you’ll have to stop pushing people away or you’ll just end up alone.”
“This is the life that I chose. It wasn’t the one she chose,” Jason said.
“She chose you,” Elizabeth pointed out. “If love is even a choice at all. Do you still love her, Jason?”
He nodded.
“Does she still love you?” she asked.
He licked his lips, considering her question. “I don’t know. She hasn’t spoken to me in weeks.”
“Maybe you need to ask her, then,” Elizabeth said. “She gets to choose what’s right for her, Jason. That means she gets to decide if she wants to be in your life. She gets to decide if your lifestyle is worth the risk.”
“Courtney didn’t think it was,” he stated.
Elizabeth nodded, but answered, “She’s not Courtney.”
Elizabeth stood on the docks, smiling out at the water. They had just finished a ride and the stars looked closer than ever. “Only a few more weeks until I get my Class M License. I can’t believe it!”
Jason laughed heartily. Seeing her so excited made him feel happier for some reason.
She turned to him with her eyes glittering. “Want to go grab some coffee at Kelly’s?”
Jason’s eyes darkened with concern for a moment. He hesitated before saying, “I saw Lucky moving into Kelly’s the other day.”
Elizabeth’s smile faltered only slightly. “I guess he finally left Wyndemere,” she realized. She looked at Jason and explained, “It’s okay, Jason. I know it’s over between me and Lucky.”
“Do you mind if I ask you what happened?” Jason said softly.
She pursed her lips and shook her head. “I guess I thought I could love him through his drug problem, but I wasn’t enough. I have Cameron to worry about now and Cam doesn’t need that kind of influence around him. I can’t risk my child because I want to wait for Lucky to find his way back to me again. I’m not that girl anymore.”
Jason tilted his head, observing her expression. She seemed to be telling the truth but something was bothering her.
Elizabeth sighed, noting the expectant look in his eyes. “I guess I never learned my lesson. I thought that I could fix Lucky.”
“You tried to help him, there’s nothing wrong with that,” Jason offered.
Elizabeth shook her head. “No, because I should have learned by now that it doesn’t work when you’re in love. When you love someone you can’t see their flaws and you can’t see what’s really going on until finally you just have to walk away.”
He nodded, knowing that she had learned part of that lesson by being with him.
“The best way I could have helped Lucky was to let him go, so I did,” she explained. “Now he can get the help he needs. I still love him, but it’s not the same. His jealousy and the way he tries to control me, it’s always been there. I just fooled myself into thinking I could live with it because I loved him.”
“Was that what happened with us?” Jason asked. “Did you convince yourself for awhile that you could live with my lifestyle because you . . . because you cared?”
Elizabeth fell silent.
He sighed deeply. “I always thought I couldn’t have anyone in my life. It was too dangerous and it wasn’t fair because I couldn’t give her what she deserved,” he explained.
Elizabeth nodded, knowing that part of him.
He balled his hand into a fist as he thought back. “When Sam told me she loved me, I wanted to give her a real life, but I couldn’t walk away from the business. It’s all that I know. I thought for awhile that she could handle it. No matter the danger, she was still there. Even after she was shot, she still tried to love me.”
Elizabeth’s eyes glistened as she saw the hurt expression on his face.
He licked his lips and sighed. “I guess I convinced myself that she could handle anything because she loved me.”
“It’s not wrong to want to be loved, even if it doesn’t work out,” Elizabeth said softly. “What matters is in that moment you have what everyone is searching for their whole lives: someone who makes you feel whole.”
He was quiet, looking out across the water.
She gazed at him for a moment, feeling like there was something he was afraid to say. “Did you talk to Sam?” she finally asked.
Jason nodded. He put his hands in his pockets and turned to her. “She has a new life now. She wants to go back to school and get to know her family more. She says she still loves me, but it will never be what it was. She’s moved on.”
Elizabeth bit her lower lip, knowing the pain that Jason was trying to hide. She reached out and took his hand in hers.
He stared at her small hand clasping his. He looked up and saw the worry and sympathy in her eyes. Suddenly, he had to know the answer to the question he had wanted to ask for a long time. “Do you ever think about what would have happened if I stopped you from walking out that door?” he asked.
She was shocked by his question and wondered why he was asking her now. A brief sadness washed across her face. She confessed, “All the time.”
He could see the honesty in her eyes. He explained, “I didn’t want to make that mistake with Sam. I didn’t want her to leave without knowing how much I still need her and how much I love her. I thought that would be enough but she still walked away.”
“Do you regret going after her?” Elizabeth asked as she sat down on the bench.
He sat down beside her. Considering her question, he realized that he didn’t. “No.”
“Then that’s what matters. Now you know the truth and you don’t have to wonder,” she replied.
“What if it’s never enough?” he questioned. “Maybe this is a sign that my life isn’t meant to include anyone else.”
“Jason Morgan,” she gasped, half mockingly. “Don’t tell me you believe in signs now.”
Though he was hurting, he couldn’t help but smile. “You know what I mean.”
She nodded. “I have to admit, I thought Sam would be the one person that could handle your life.”
“I guess she saw what Courtney did,” he sighed. “It just costs too much to be with me.”
“Just because Courtney and Sam couldn’t, doesn’t mean there isn’t someone out there who will,” Elizabeth replied. A wicked grin spread across her lips as she said softly, “There’s always Carly.”
He laughed, a deep laugh that he hadn’t felt in a long time. “Carly and I would never work. She would drive me crazy.”
Elizabeth giggled in agreement. “I can just imagine what a nightmare she would be. She and I are just starting to be civil.”
Jason leaned back and crossed his arms. “Besides, I could never love Carly the way she deserves. She and Jax are happy and I’m happy for her. She’s my best friend, but it never can be more than that.”
“Because she hurt you?” Elizabeth asked.
“No, that was just a—“ he grinned wickedly, “a SIGN that she wasn’t right for me. The way Carly is and the way she loves people, it takes a certain kind of person to accept that, and that’s not me. I love her as my friend, but we just wouldn’t work any other way.”
“I’m glad WE’RE friends, Jason,” she confessed. “I’ve said ‘thank you’, haven’t I?”
He uncrossed his arms and smiled. “I didn’t do anything.”
“Yes you did,” she argued. Her eyes twinkled. “Without you, I would owe Mike a fortune in patio furniture.”
“I guess you’re right,” he smiled, shaking his head.
“I’m always right,” she laughed.
“Oh, really?” he asked, poking her in the shoulder.
She put her hands on her waist and looked at him mockingly. “Yes, really. Remember when you left the first time and you said ‘Goodbye’ and I said, ‘No, I’ll see you later’? Who was right?”
He laughed. “Okay, so maybe you were right that one time.”
She hopped up and a cheery smile masked whatever sadness she had felt earlier. “Okay then. No more somber conversations,” she grinned. “This is a new beginning. New and improved.”
He stood up and handed her the helmet.
She took the helmet from him and looked at him, really looked at him. She was about to say something but stopped herself. As she hopped up the steps toward Kelly’s, she turned around and asked, “We’re friends, right, Jason?”
He nodded. “I’m always your friend, you know that.”
She smiled and grabbed his hand. “Good, then as my friend, you have to show me how to make my way through traffic at Jefferson and Van Ness because Epiphany will kick my butt if I keep getting back late during the lunch rush.”
Jason laughed and they both ran up the steps toward the bike that had brought them back into each other’s lives.
Licensed to Love: Chapter Three
Jason eyed her with concern. He had felt the tension in her body the whole time they had ridden up. “What’s wrong, Elizabeth?”
She sighed, pulling off her helmet and resting it on the bike. “Nothing.”
“Don’t say it’s nothing,” he said. “Something’s been bugging you since we left Kelly’s.”
“It’s nothing, Jason. I guess I’m just nervous about the test tomorrow,” she lied.
He crossed his arms and looked at her sternly. “Elizabeth, you don’t have to lie to me.”
She licked her lips, trying to think of how she could explain to him what had been bothering her since the day before. “You know that year after we . . . after we stopped trying? Remember the way you used to look at me? Your eyes were like ice. You acted like I was a stranger,” she sighed. “Do you know how much it hurt?”
Jason’s eyes narrowed with concern and regret, not knowing that he was the reason for her sudden change in behavior.
She shook her head, seeing the look in his eyes. “Don’t apologize, just-just hear me out. That look, it was so cold and detached, but I understood why you couldn’t see your friend anymore. I put you down, called you horrible things. I didn’t trust you. I practically shoved you out of my life.”
“Elizabeth,” he started.
“No. Please let me finish,” she said holding up her hands. “I’m not mad or upset about it. It hurt, but I deserved it. But this, the way you’re looking at me now, the way you’ve been looking at me these past few weeks . . . I don’t understand that.”
“How have I been looking at you?” he questioned.
“Like you care . . . like I’m still the girl that pulled you out of the snow,” she accused him. “But I stopped being that girl a long time ago. I stopped being the friend that you deserve.”
“I don’t understand,” he replied, holding his hands out in frustration, following her steps as she pulled away.
“I-I know you don’t. I mean, how could you? You’re so understanding of all my faults, you couldn’t even see how I was abusing our friendship, how I used you . . .” Her arms folded around her body protectively.
“You didn’t use me, Elizabeth. You can’t use a friend,” he said.
She shook her head. “That’s just it. I wasn’t being your friend. I wasn’t listening to you. I just stopped after Lucky came back. I put him above you and I made you feel like you didn’t matter. I was awful to you, Jason. You should have pushed me out of your life back then. You didn’t deserve to be treated that way and I didn’t deserve you.”
“What I did was up to me,” he said, reaching out to her with his hand.
She stepped backwards and confessed, “That’s what kills me, Jason. All the reasons why you were the perfect person, the perfect friend after I thought Lucky died were all the reasons I was able to use you later when Lucky came back. I could vent with you, I could tell you all my problems, lean on you . . . but friendship isn’t a one-way street, Jason.”
“You let me stay at your studio. You asked me what I wanted for my life. You cared about me, Elizabeth,” he reminded her.
“That’s not enough, Jason,” she said, her eyes filled with regret.
“Says who?” he spoke softly, wanting so badly to understand her sudden change in demeanor.
Elizabeth shook her head and recounted back the painful memories. “I kicked you out of the studio as soon as it got too hard. I let Lucky push me around and tell you that you weren’t worth being my friend. God, Jason, I can’t even think about the way I yelled at you after I thought you beat up Lucky.” Her look of frustration revealed the pain she felt over what she had done.
He wanted to hold her, to tell her that it didn’t matter anymore, but he could see that it still mattered to her. He didn’t understand where all this anger and sadness had come from. For the past few weeks she had been relaxed, excited and happy. Something must have happened.
Elizabeth sniffed, an angry tear rolling down her cheek. “The girl who pulled you out of the snow would have NEVER accused you of that. She would have stopped and asked you what happened. She would have listened and understood that you had your reasons. Instead I was so wrapped up in what I thought was safe that I thought the worst of you,” she rambled, her eyes filled with regret. “How could I do that, Jason? How could I treat you like that? You are the one person who never judged me, never tried to tell me how to be and I threw it all in your face.”
“Where is all this coming from? That was a long time ago, Elizabeth,” he whispered, wiping away her tears with his thumb. “I was never mad at you, don’t be mad at yourself.”
She laughed bitterly, no joy or amusement in the sound, just pain. “I’m not like you, Jason. I can’t just start over like nothing happened. You have been amazing these past few weeks just like you’ve always been. I don’t want to go down that road again where you end up hurt because I can’t appreciate you. I’ve been treating you like crap ever since Lucky came back. Zander and Ric were the new Lucky’s. I put them above you, made excuses for them, insisted that that I knew them better than what you tried to show me, when they hadn’t even done one percent of what you did for me,” she recalled. “What did they do to deserve that? What did YOU do to deserve that?”
“E-Elizabeth, I don’t want you to hurt like this,” Jason said, his voice breaking with emotion. “Not over me. We’re friends now. What happened, happened. We don’t have to talk about it now. We were both there. It’s over.”
She pulled away again. “I look at you and I can’t stop thinking of all the horrible ways I have treated you. I just wouldn’t shut up about Lucky even though you told me it hurt you. I kept running to you just to tell you that we couldn’t be friends anymore, over and over again. Why did you let me, Jason? Why didn’t you slam the door in my face?” Her eyes reflected the deep scars she still carried with her. “I wish I could go back and tell myself to just shut up. To open my eyes and see what was in front of me instead of being so wrapped up in the past. I have never had anyone in my life care the way you have, Jason. I threw away the best thing that has ever happened to me.”
He wanted so badly to take the pain away. “It wasn’t wrong for you to keep holding onto Lucky or to believe in Zander and Ric. You cared about them.”
“But what about you? You more than earned my respect and my trust, but I never gave either to you. I jumped to conclusions and always assumed the worst,” she persisted. She tightened her folded arms, feeling the shame of her past. “You should have let me go. You should have stayed away instead of letting me keep leaning on you. I-I’m sorry, Jason,” she said as tears streamed down her cheeks. “I should have set you free a long time ago.”
“I’m free as long as I am doing what I want, and I want you in my life,” he replied, his own emotion choking his words.
“It’s not right, Jason,” she said. “You are too understanding and too forgiving. You let people treat you like you don’t matter when you are the most amazing person I have ever known. You need to stand up to people like me, tell them what you want and tell them ‘no’ if they try to use you. You deserve what you give to other people, Jason. Understanding, respect, trust . . . you MATTER.”
He stepped closer to her and put his hands around her waist. “Fine. What I want is for you to stop beating yourself up about the past. You only remember the bad parts, but I remember everything. Every laugh, every joke, every smile, every dream, every hope. You gave me more than I ever gave you.”
Elizabeth sighed. “What did I give you? I would always make you feel bad, like you put my life in danger. And you . . . you were so gentle and careful with me, holding back because you were afraid to hurt me. I don’t want that for you. You are so beautiful when you’re free. I don’t want to add another chain around your neck the way Sonny and Carly do.”
“I don’t know how to explain to you what you bring to my life, Elizabeth,” he said. “You say you aren’t that girl who pulled me out of the snow, that you’ve changed, and maybe you have. But you’re still there. You listen, you worry, you care . . . and you never ask for anything in return. What have I really given you?”
“Maybe that’s our problem,” she sighed. “We both think that we don’t deserve each other.”
“But I keep coming back, and so do you,” Jason pointed out.
“You’re not listening to me, Jason. It isn’t right. You can’t keep letting me use you when I need someone to lean on,” she insisted. “It’s not fair for me to keep coming to you whenever I feel like I need to escape.”
“But you aren’t escaping now, Elizabeth,” he reminded her.
“Well, whatever this is, it has to stop,” she shouted. “This isn’t RIGHT.”
“You keep saying that but you don’t make any sense,” he replied. “I thought we were having fun. You’re smiling again and you look happier than I’ve ever seen you.”
“Of course I do, Jason!” she yelled angrily. “I’m in love with you!”
Licensed to Love: Chapter Four
Elizabeth walked down the path in the middle of the park with Cameron, smiling as he toddled toward every butterfly, ladybug, puppy and toy he spotted. As she turned the corner, she was surprised to find Alexis, Sam, Kristina and Molly having a picnic.
Sam noticed Elizabeth first and waved ‘hello.’ Alexis turned and smiled as Cameron ran toward Kristina and Molly.
Elizabeth tried to catch up with him, but when he collapsed on the blanket laughing she just smiled.
“How are you, Elizabeth?” Alexis asked as she folded a sandwich in a napkin and tucked it in the basket.
“I’m fine,” she answered, noticing a strange tone in Alexis’ voice.
“Cameron looks a lot taller than I last saw him,” Sam mentioned, a friendly expression on her face.
Elizabeth grinned proudly. “He is getting bigger every day.”
“So I noticed you and Jason the other day at Metro Court,” Alexis said nonchalantly.
Elizabeth’s eyes narrowed, wondering where Alexis was going with her comment. “Jason and I were there to see Carly. She had called him while we were out riding.”
Sam’s expression faltered. She had been so busy spending time with her sisters and studying that she hadn’t seen Jason very much. He did stop by once a couple of weeks ago but she made it clear that whatever was between them had to end.
“So I assume you haven’t put Cameron in Jason’s sphere,” Alexis said tersely.
“You would be correct, but why is this any of your business?” Elizabeth shot back.
Alexis folded her hands calmly. “I know what a good mother you are, Elizabeth, and I know you wouldn’t put Cameron in danger. Although why you let yourself be seen with Jason is a whole other issue.”
“Why is that an ISSUE?” Elizabeth spat out, her anger growing rapidly.
“Well you’ve been kidnapped, shot at, there was a bomb put in your studio,” Alexis pointed out. “You were smart enough to walk away before, but ever since Sam’s surgery you’ve—”
“I’ve what, Alexis? I’ve stood by what I think is right even though some self-righteous district attorney thought otherwise?” Elizabeth snarled.
Alexis didn’t even seem fazed by Elizabeth’s remarks. “You mean what Jason thinks is right.”
“Obviously you don’t know me very well, Alexis, if you think I am that easily persuaded to risk my entire career just to be in Jason’s good graces,” Elizabeth replied, her lips forming a thin line. “You were the mouthpiece, Alexis, not me.”
Alexis shook her head in disbelief. “Elizabeth, you are a mother. You have another life to think about. You can’t just take any risks you like. Cameron needs you to be alive, to be his MOTHER. Now that you and Lucky got divorced, you are all he has.”
“Oh, don’t lecture Elizabeth on motherhood, Alexis,” a voice interrupted.
Elizabeth turned around, surprised to find Carly there with Morgan and John Jacks.
“Carly, stay out of this,” Alexis said. “You are the last person who should comment on being a good mother.”
“Oh, sure, because someone as possessive, controlling and paranoid as you are is the expert on motherhood,” Carly laughed.
“Of course, you have to resort to personal attacks,” Alexis rolled her eyes. “I am trying to give Elizabeth some sound advice from someone who has seen firsthand what it is like to be a mother in the middle of Jason and Sonny’s ‘business.’”
“Look, Alexis,” Elizabeth said, spitting the other woman’s name like it were poison, “You may be Sam’s mother but you’re not mine, so you can keep your judgmental, narrow-minded, ignorant opinions to yourself.”
Carly folded her arms in surprise and smiled. “What she said.”
“Elizabeth, you seem to idealize Jason because he’s a good friend and you could argue he is actually a good person stuck in a dangerous world. Either way, you don’t know what it’s like to have your child snatched away from you, to have her held hostage because of some mob war,” Alexis insisted. She turned to the blonde and remarked, “Carly knows what it’s like to think your child was killed just because Sonny and Jason need to feel rich and powerful.”
“Don’t speak for me,” Carly glared.
“Car explosions, shoot-outs and kidnappings are what you are asking for when you associate with Jason and Sonny,” Alexis said. “I would have thought you would have known that by now.”
Elizabeth’s cheeks were crimson with anger. “What I do know is what it’s like to be hit by a car just because I dared to walk down a street. I know what it’s like to be shoved down a flight of stairs and lose my first child. I know what it’s like to be poisoned by my husband while he chains a pregnant woman to a wall in my house. I know what it’s like to lose ANOTHER child in a car accident. I know what it’s like to have a psychotic stalker, who was set free by an egotistical, self-righteous attorney, grab me at gunpoint and shoot my husband,” Elizabeth listed, her voice rising with each statement. “There is danger EVERYWHERE, Alexis. We can’t all just sit in our homes knitting in the hopes that our children will be safe from all the scary things that might happen.”
“I am not saying Cameron has to be trapped inside your house,” Alexis said, though her tone lost its superior edge. “Just because there are dangers in the world doesn’t mean you go inviting them in.”
“You mean like marrying Ric?” Carly quipped.
Alexis shook her head. “That’s not the same. Ric has changed. Sonny and Jason never will.”
“I don’t want Jason to change, Alexis,” Elizabeth replied. “What am I teaching my son when I turn my back on the one person who has stood by me no matter what I’ve done to him? After I walked away, every time I was hurt or needed help, Jason was there. Even after I pointed a gun at him, he still cared. Cameron should understand what it means to be a loyal friend, something I forgot for awhile.”
“So you want your son to look up to a mob enforcer?” Alexis asked, clearly exasperated by Elizabeth’s stubbornness. “I guess there’s just no reasoning with you.”
Elizabeth smirked. “I guess not.” She beckoned at Cameron to walk to her. “Come here, Cameron,” she called. “It’s time to go home.”
Carly interrupted, “Actually, Elizabeth, I would love it if Cameron could come play with Little John and Morgan. We’re headed to Kelly’s and Mike has a special treat for the boys. Would you mind?”
Elizabeth shook her head. “No, I’m sure Cameron would love to hang out with them.” Cameron grinned at her as if he understood.
“Max!” Carly shouted as the bodyguard came out of nowhere. “Help me get the kids to the car.” She glared at Alexis one last time and then turned to Elizabeth. “Thanks, Elizabeth.”
Elizabeth nodded with a smile. “Thank you. Cameron doesn’t get to go on a lot of playdates.”
As Carly, Max and the boys left, Alexis threw up her hands. “And she trusts CARLY with her son . . . I don’t know why I bother.”
Elizabeth ignored the comment and started to walk away, but Sam called after her, “Elizabeth, wait! Could I talk to you?” Elizabeth turned around as Sam turned to Alexis and added, “Alone?”
Alexis looked at Sam in confusion. “You’re not coming back to the apartment with Kristina and Molly?”
Sam shook her head. “I want to talk to Elizabeth, but I’ll be home for dinner.” She kissed her sisters on the forehead and gave Alexis a peck on the cheek. “I won’t be late, Mom, I promise.”
Alexis hesitated but took Kristina and Molly by the hand and left anyway.
Elizabeth stood, looking at Sam, clueless as to what Sam would want to talk about.
“Please, sit,” Sam said, gesturing toward the picnic blanket.
Elizabeth sat down and replied, “Look, I’m sorry about the way I reacted to Alexis. I just can’t stand people trying to tell me how to live my life.”
Sam nodded, “Don’t worry. I know better than anyone how overbearing she can be.”
“Do you?” Elizabeth asked pointedly.
Sam stared at her, unsure of her question.
“Alexis has it all wrong. Jason has been teaching me how to ride these last few weeks, but we’re just friends,” Elizabeth said, feeling the need to explain.
Sam smiled, but her eyes looked confused. “I’m glad to hear that you and Jason are hanging out, Elizabeth, but what does this have to do with me?”
“Well, you don’t have to worry. If you change your mind, I mean, he’s still single. If you realize that what Alexis has been telling you is wrong, it’s not a problem. He still loves you and he’s been torn up about it for weeks,” Elizabeth explained.
Sam’s eyes lit up with understanding. “You think Alexis convinced me to end things with Jason and you’re worried I won’t talk to him because I think he’s with you.”
“I don’t hold it against you if Alexis convinced you to leave and neither would Jason,” Elizabeth said. “He really misses you.”
“I love him and miss him too,” Sam admitted.
“Then you should go to him and tell him that you want to try again,” Elizabeth suggested. “He might be stubborn at first and try to push you away for your own good, but keep trying. He loves you and deep down he needs you even if he won’t admit it.”
“Elizabeth, you don’t understand,” Sam replied. “It wasn’t my mom who convinced me to walk away. I made that choice.”
“But why?” Elizabeth asked. “You’ve never been afraid of the danger. You stood by Jason through his memory loss and through Michael’s kidnapping. You were going to marry him!”
Sam sighed. “After I was shot, I started to really see what I could lose by being with Jason. There are certain things I want for myself that I couldn’t have if I stayed with him.”
“Like what?” Elizabeth persisted. “He wouldn’t stop you from going to law school.”
Sam shook her head. “No, I mean having a family. Having kids and not having to worry that they could be killed or kidnapped for leverage.”
“Jason wouldn’t let that happen,” Elizabeth insisted. “You said so yourself the first time we met at Kelly’s.”
“Jason is great,” Sam stated matter-of-factly. “But what I’ve learned these last few months is that he’s not all-powerful. Some things you can’t control.”
“There is danger,” Elizabeth admitted. “All the time. But I promise you it would be worth it. All the risks and everything that comes with loving Jason would be worth it. He loves you so much.”
“I-I know he does,” Sam replied. “I wish I could forget everything he meant to me, how he changed my life so that this decision could be easier, but I can’t.”
“That’s because it was the wrong decision,” Elizabeth argued, anger starting to fill her tone.
Sam stared at her, confused by Elizabeth’s behavior. “It wasn’t the wrong decision, it was right for me. I wish I didn’t have to hurt him because of everything he has given me, but it had to end.”
“Why? He gave up so much for you and this is how you repay him?” Elizabeth accused. “Jason loved you despite everything everyone was telling him and despite the fact that you walked away. If you just-if you just turn around you’ll see how much he loves you.”
“It’s not enough,” Sam said, her own voice starting to grow angry.
“You don’t know that!” Elizabeth yelled. “You haven’t given him a chance. How could you just walk away without letting him fix things?”
Sam’s eyes narrowed. “Why are you fighting so hard for me to get back with Jason?”
“Jason loves you, more than I’ve seen him love anyone. Even Carly,” Elizabeth said. “Jason deserves to have everything he wants in life. You know how amazing he is. He doesn’t deserve to lose the one chance he has to have love and the life he wants.”
Sam sighed. “Elizabeth, I can’t give him what he deserves. He does things that I don’t understand sometimes and he gets angry when I disagree with him. When I saw him after he took Sonny’s business, it was like he was a stranger. He was constantly in meetings and mobsters came in and out of the penthouse every day. I can’t live my life like that. You know, you warned me about all of this that first time we met. You said it would break my heart, and you were right.”
“No I wasn’t. Look, Jason gave it all back,” Elizabeth replied. “He’s not in charge anymore. You won’t have to deal with that.”
“That doesn’t matter, Elizabeth,” Sam said. “It could happen again, and Sonny won’t be in charge forever. He didn’t even tell me that he was going to take Sonny’s business away. How could he make a choice like that without telling me?”
“You sound like me,” Elizabeth sighed. “After Jason didn’t tell me about Sonny being alive, I walked out on him because I couldn’t play second fiddle to the business. Don’t make the mistake I did. Give him the chance to explain.”
“I did and it wasn’t enough,” Sam replied.
“You’ll regret it . . . for the rest of your life you will regret not giving him the chance to make things right for you,” Elizabeth said, her eyes glistening with sad tears.
“You mean like you do?” Sam questioned. Sam suddenly realized why Elizabeth was saying all of this to her. She whispered, “You’re in love with him again, aren’t you, Elizabeth?”
Elizabeth’s jaw dropped. “What do you mean I’m in love with him? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Elizabeth, it’s written all over your face,” Sam smiled, her anger fading away as she began to understand why Elizabeth was acting so strangely.
“What?” Elizabeth gasped. “No, I-I . . . he . . . he’s in love with you.”
Sam laughed at Elizabeth’s sputtering. “Jason and I talked and he’s let me go, Elizabeth. We both care about each other, but we aren’t meant to be together.”
“Look, you two are perfect for each other. You are used to his life and the danger and the secrets,” Elizabeth said. You’ve been with him for a long time and you haven’t walked away once. Don’t you think it’s a little strange that as soon as Alexis came into your life, you suddenly feel that you can’t handle his life?” Elizabeth was doing her best to detract from Sam’s line of thinking, knowing that Sam was crazy to accuse her of being in love with Jason again.
“It was a coincidence,” Sam replied, recognizing Elizabeth’s defensive tone. “It was because I was shot, not because of Alexis.”
Elizabeth’s eyes were still enraged, but she didn’t respond.
“Elizabeth, something’s changed about you,” Sam observed. “You used to say that you couldn’t be with Jason because he kills people and because he could get killed at any time. Do you remember telling me that?”
Elizabeth nodded. “Okay, so that may be the way I felt, but that never changed your mind even before you admitted you were in love with him.”
“But maybe you have,” Sam suggested. “You said once that you tried to love him. Maybe the truth is that you tried not to.”
“You don’t – that’s just . . .” Elizabeth stammered shaking her head. “That’s ridiculous.”
Sam smiled, “Maybe the reason you’re so mad at me is because you’re too afraid to admit how much you love him.”
“Jason and I are friends. There’s nothing going on,” Elizabeth said, though her words sounded hollow even to her.
Sam’s smile widened. “I remember telling you the same thing once.”
“Look, I’m telling you that I care about Jason but that’s it. We’re friends. Don’t use me as an excuse for walking away from Jason,” Elizabeth shouted. “Jason loves YOU and you’re the one he wants in his life. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that if I fall in love with Jason he won’t hurt because you left. He hurts EVERY DAY.”
“And I’m sorry about that, Elizabeth,” Sam said softly, “but even if you can’t see it, I’m telling you the truth. I can’t be with him anymore. But that doesn’t mean you can’t.”
“So for argument’s sake, let’s say someone does fall in love with Jason and he falls in love with that person,” Elizabeth said carefully. “Then you realize that you made a mistake. By then it’ll be too late. You’ll wake up one morning and realize you threw away the best thing that ever happened to you. You will be sorry, I promise you that.”
“Elizabeth, I am sure of my decision,” Sam stated firmly.
Elizabeth wanted to scream. Sam was being impossible and Elizabeth wished she could show Sam what a huge mistake she was making. “Look, even if he does fall in love again and he moves on, that doesn’t change the fact that the woman he belongs with is you. It certainly isn’t me. I was never the right fit in his life. That’s why we never worked. But you stood by him through everything I couldn’t.”
“Elizabeth, when we first met, there was something I noticed right away,” Sam revealed. “You know him better than anyone. You know how he behaves, you understand him like no one else does. The only reason I realized my feelings for him was because you showed me who he really is, the part of him he hides from everyone else.”
“I’ve known Jason a long time, so of course I pick up on some things, but that doesn’t mean I belong with him,” Elizabeth argued. “If we were to follow that argument the person Jason really belongs with is Carly because he knows her better than anyone, but I think we both agree that Carly isn’t the one for him.”
“That’s because Jason doesn’t love Carly,” Sam said.
“And I don’t love Jason,” Elizabeth insisted.
“Elizabeth for all the reasons you’ve argued that I should go back to Jason, I’ve already told you that it isn’t enough for me,” Sam sighed. “But it seems to be enough for you.”
Elizabeth stared and replied, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Elizabeth stood up abruptly. “I have to go.” She started to walk away and then looked back at Sam. Her eyes showed a spark of fear as she reiterated, “There’s nothing going on with me and Jason.”
Sam’s eyes twinkled as Elizabeth ran off. Sam whispered to herself, “Nothing at all.”
Licensed to Love: Chapter Five
Elizabeth’s was shaking with anger, but a part of her was shocked that she had said it out loud.
Jason stood frozen in place, unsure of what to say or do to make her less upset. “Is that why you’re mad?” he asked, bewildered by her emotions.
She ran her hands through her hair in frustration. Her anger quickly faded into panic and regret. “I-I’m sorry, Jason, I didn’t mean that.”
“Yes, you did,” he said, though it was more of a realization than a statement.
“Oh God,” she said, standing up and pacing the docks. “I never meant to say it.”
“Why-why are you mad?” he questioned, looking up at her.
“Why aren’t YOU?!” she shot back, pausing briefly in her pacing.
“Why would I be mad?” he asked, clearly confused.
“Like you really need me falling love with you on top of all your other problems!” she exclaimed. “You just lost the one person who was right for you and you’re still repairing your friendship with Sonny. You don’t need this!”
“Elizabeth, you’re acting like this is a burden on me,” he said, completely confused.
“Well, isn’t it?” she shouted. “Look what happened the last time I fell for you. I threw myself into your life, convinced you to try again even though you didn’t want to, and then I freaked out and left you and yelled at you when you dared to move on. You do NOT need this right now.”
He didn’t know whether to stare at her in bewilderment or burst out laughing. She was not making any sense. “Don’t I get to decide what I need?” he asked.
She stared at him for a moment like he was an alien and then started pacing again. “Did you not hear anything I said? I hurt you, Jason. I take you for granted. I take advantage of you. You don’t stop me, so I have to.”
Jason grabbed her arm and made her stop walking back and forth. He turned her to face him and he couldn’t help smiling at the defiant look in her eyes. “Do you remember how you acted every time I pushed you away for your own good?”
She bit her lower lip, not wanting to think about their past. “Maybe,” she said.
He grinned. “Well you never let me and I won’t let you either. Ever since we’ve known each other I’ve been trying to push you away. I never understood why you kept coming back. You don’t need me like Carly does. You are fine without me in your life--”
“That’s just it, I’m fine without you,” she interrupted. “You’re BETTER OFF without me.”
“That’s not true,” he said. He pulled her closer and though she acted like she was angry, he could see fear in her eyes. “Elizabeth, what is this really about?” he asked.
“Jason, look. You don’t have to worry about this. Tomorrow I’m getting my license, and we can go back to being just friends who just say ‘hi’ when we see each other,” Elizabeth said, her eyes avoiding his. “We can go back to living our separate lives and I’ll get over this—this thing.”
His eyes narrowed as he began to understand what was making her so upset. “You’re scared,” he observed.
She looked at him, ready for a fight. “No, I’m not. I’m just mad because I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m sure it’s just a phase, a-a lapse in judgment.”
Normally, Jason would have been hurt, but he knew she wasn’t being honest. This wasn’t about him, this was about her. “You’re afraid you’ll lose me again.”
Elizabeth couldn’t look at him. She didn’t want to admit it. She had been fighting it ever since Sam said the words that she had been afraid of hearing. “Jason, let’s not do this. I don’t want our last day together to get screwed up because I can’t control my feelings.”
“Elizabeth, why do you think today is our last day together? I’m not going anywhere,” Jason replied.
“No, it has to be. We’ve only been hanging out because of this stupid motorcycle. Once I get my license, we don’t have to see each other anymore,” Elizabeth said, a hopeful tone in her voice.
“So that’s it? I teach you how to ride and then we can’t see each other anymore?” Jason asked.
“That’s not what I meant,” Elizabeth said, frustrated that Jason didn’t understand. “You don’t have to hang around me anymore after today. I know you felt sorry for me after I crashed into Kelly’s, but your obligation is over.”
“This isn’t an obligation to me, Elizabeth. You’re my friend and I wanted to help out,” he corrected her. “And these last few weeks haven’t been just about the lessons. You helped me, Elizabeth. More than you know. You listened when I told you about Sam and you helped me move on.”
Elizabeth flinched remembering everything Sam had said the day before. “I-I wish I could have convinced her to be brave and to try again.”
“That’s not your job, Elizabeth,” Jason sighed. “Sam and I just can’t work out. I see that now.”
“It just doesn’t seem fair, Jason,” Elizabeth replied. “You love her so much and you have such a good heart. You deserve someone who can appreciate it.”
He brushed her hair behind her ear and held her cheek in his hand. He was afraid she would break any moment and he’d wake up from the dream. She had lit up his life these past few weeks and made him believe there was more for him when he was sure he had lost everything when Sam had left. “What about you, Elizabeth? Do you appreciate it?”
“I-I wish I could say ‘yes,’” Elizabeth said, her voice shaking. “God, I wish I could tell you that this time I won’t hurt you. I wish I could promise to stay true to what I feel because you deserve that and so much more. But I can’t, Jason. I’m so sorry . . . I just can’t.”
Jason stroked her cheek with his thumb as tears trickled down from her eyes. She looked so beautiful and so incredibly sad. “You told me that no one can make that kind of promise and you were right. After seeing Sam nearly die, and remembering the way it felt to have you bleeding in my arms, I wish that I could promise you that you would never get hurt either. But I can’t do that, Elizabeth. All I can say is that I can try my best to protect you. If a promise to try is enough for you, then it’s enough for me too.”
“What are you saying, Jason?” Elizabeth questioned.
“I don’t want to be selfish, Elizabeth,” Jason said quietly, “but I want you in my life. I need you in my life. I want to tell you that even though I know the way I live could get you shot, or kidnapped or even killed. I wish things were different, I wish I could give you a better life than that, but all I have to give you is what I am.”
Elizabeth looked at him for a second and knew he was sincere. “Damn it, you’re not going to make this easy are you?” she said, lifting her hand to cover the one he had against her cheek. She loved the feel of his touch and the way it enveloped her in his warmth.
“It’s never easy with us,” he stated.
She stared into his eyes, fear reflecting in her own. She was never more terrified to ask a question as she did at that moment, but she had to know. “Is it just me, Jason? I mean, I don’t think it is because of what you’re saying, but I have to know. Do you feel the way that I do?”
He licked his lips and leaned his head closer to hers. “Yes,” he answered.
“When did you know? When did it happen?” she inquired.
He could smell the wind in her hair and he closed his eyes for a moment. “I think that a part of me has always loved you, Elizabeth. From the first night we met when I saw how much you could love someone, through the months you protected me when I was broken. When you let me stay in your studio, no questions asked, and when you kept coming to me even though it hurt you and you didn’t know why.”
“And after that? How could you have loved me after that?” Elizabeth asked.
“Because you fought. You didn’t let me give you up for your own good. You were kidnapped and shot and yet I couldn’t make you stay away no matter how cold I was to you,” he confessed. “How could I be enough of a reason to risk your life? I never understood that. I thought the best way to take care of you was to push you away.”
“I never knew . . . I kept asking you to tell me how you felt, but you never let me see that. I always thought it was just me,” she admitted. “I always thought that you pushed me away because I didn’t fit into the life you had chosen. I thought you lied to me about Sonny’s death because you thought I didn’t belong in your world.”
Jason swallowed, realizing why she was so afraid now. It was terrifying to put your heart out there, not knowing how someone else felt. That was why he never looked too deeply when confronted with his feelings for her. He didn’t want to know because he knew that she wasn’t there to stay.
Elizabeth closed her eyes, trying to take in the nearness of his presence. “I guess I didn’t see that it was just your way of loving me.” Elizabeth was afraid to open her eyes, afraid that this was all a dream. “How could you have loved me for that long and never say anything?”
He pressed his forehead against hers and just held her close. “I didn’t know what it was. I didn’t understand that missing you and needing to hear your voice and needing to see your smile was all a part of what I felt for you.”
Her face was warm, comforted by the feel of his skin and his closeness. “I never understood it either. I just know what I felt and how important it was to me.”
“I have loved you for a long time, Elizabeth, but I have only known it for a short time,” he whispered. “You ask me when I knew and I wish I could tell you it was that night that I made those promises to you at my penthouse, but I never want to lie to you again.”
She nodded, remembering his confession about telling Courtney that he never loved her. “I know you don’t,” she said softly.
His hands rested against her hips and his thumbs hooked through the belt loops on her jeans. He looked deeply into her eyes and explained, “I needed to love Courtney and Sam after Robin to understand what I felt for you. The only thing I understood as love was what Robin taught me. Loving you . . . it’s like what you said about me encouraging you without pressuring you. That’s what loving you is. No pressure . . .”
“It just is,” she completed the thought for him.
He nodded, wanting so badly to kiss her but knowing that she wasn’t ready. He wasn’t ready either.
“That’s the way it feels for me too,” she confessed. “. . . except I did know it that night in the penthouse when I made those promises to you. That is why all of this scares me. What if nothing’s changed, Jason? What I felt didn’t stop me from walking away from you and losing you to Courtney. What if that happens again?”
“When something happens and you live through it, it stays with you, doesn’t it?” he said. “I walked away and so did you many times, but I never really lost you until that night you walked out of my penthouse. We kept saying the words like we were letting go but we never did. We kept going away, but we never left until that night.”
She nodded, agreeing with his statement. “That’s the problem. I loved you Jason but I couldn’t stay for you. My love for you wasn’t enough.”
“I lied to you, Elizabeth,” he said, aching from the memory of his mistake. “I didn’t fight for you. I didn’t explain or apologize. I couldn’t ask you to stay when I couldn’t do that for you. I’m sorry for that.”
She couldn’t express the comfort she felt from his admission.
He sighed. “I haven’t changed though, Elizabeth. There are still things in my life that I can’t tell you because it would put you at risk. But you have to know that it’s not because you don’t matter or that you aren’t a part of my life. It’s just because I don’t want to put you in danger if I can keep it from happening.”
Her eyes glittered, a weight inside her lightening with his words. “I see that now. I wish I had understood it then.”
He bit his lower lip, not wanting to say what he knew needed to be said. “The danger is still there,” he stated. “That won’t change either.”
She put her hand to the rough stubble on his cheek and smoothed it away with her fingers. She knew this was something she didn’t want to face. It was the reason she had held back for so long. “Just so we’re clear, the question isn’t about what I feel for you.”
His eyes closed as she stood on her toes and kissed him softly on the cheek. It was so soft it was almost like it never happened at all.
She leaned her cheek against his chest, resting against him. “I love you, Jason. You’ve made me realize that I don’t have to be afraid of that anymore.”
Jason nodded. “The same goes for me.” He held her head closer to him and kissed her on the top of her head, loving the way she simply fit.
“The real question is whether I can be with you,” she said. Elizabeth licked her lips and peered up at him. “If it were just me, Jason, I would risk it all without hesitation . . . but I’m a mother now. I have to think carefully about what’s best for my son. I don’t know if I can put him in your world knowing everything it could cost him.”
© Q 2006 |